EDMONTON – Local woman Melissa Orlon has reported that she is “over the moon” and “soooo blown away” by the depth of familiarity, passion and expertise her date of last night had for the online betting platform DraftKings.
“At first, I wasn’t sure about this guy. He was going on and on about his job, hobbies, friends. I was like, I don’t know, is he relationship material? But then he ever-so-casually mentioned that he hit a three team parlay on last night’s NHL games and let’s just say that got my attention,” Orlon stated with a little giggle.
“I assumed he was just your typical guy who spends 4-5 hours a day obsessively engaged in sports betting while being slowly radicalized by gambling podcasts right-wing politics –you know, nothing special. But before I knew it, he was taking me on a magical mystery ride through his life as someone who “practically makes a living on the prop bets options.”
“I guess I just never thought the guy who “totally called” which team Juan Soto would sign with in free agency would be interested in a girl like me,” she said, gently biting her lip. “The only thing that interrupted us was when he got a notification on his phone and had to run outside and scream on facetime ‘You fuckin’ TOLD me the 49ers were supposed to cover. It was a LOCK bro.’”
“But other than that, it was a total dream,” she said. “Let’s just say he hit the over on number of smooches,” she added while dreamily twirling her hair.
After the date, Orlon immediately called her best friend to get her thoughts.
“I wanted to make sure that I hadn’t gotten wrapped up in the magic of the night and overestimated his knowledge of DraftKings. That happens to me sometimes – I have this image in my mind of this perfect guy who knows that the Raptors always cover on Sunday afternoon games because the other team is hungover.”
But her fears were put to rest after speaking with her best friend. “Ooooh wait… did you say he knew that live odds update in real time way faster on DraftKings than FanDuel? Girl you gotta lock him down!”
At the end of the day, the most important thing for Orlon is a partner who can offer love, respect, and an encyclopedic knowledge of sports gambling so vast it encompasses almost all of his mind.
“When we stopped under that lamppost, the snow was falling all around us, and I wasn’t sure whether he was gonna go for it. But then he leaned in, brushed a lock of hair out of my face, and whispered ‘The Crown Is Yours.’ And that was it. I’ve met my future husband.”
At press time, Orlon’s date was really turned on by how much she knows about healing crystals.
