RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA – Representatives from the United States and Russia met today to commence their “Ukraine Piece Talks” summit, wherein the two autocrat-led nations will discuss which lucrative pieces of Ukraine each will claim as their property.
With the Russian invasion of Ukraine nearing its three-year anniversary, Piece Talks are being led by US Secretary of State Marco Rubio, Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov, and definitely not Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy who was not invited or even informed that talks would be taking place.
“Thanks to these talks, the Ukrainian region will finally be at piece,” explained Rubio while tugging at a shock collar controller by US President Trump back in Washington. “Sorry, will finally be at pieces.”
“For example Crimea, the piece of Ukraine that was illegally invaded back in 2014, will be officially given to Russia to keep forever,” noted Rubio. “After that, a $400 billion cash piece of Ukraine will be given to the United States, before being transferred directly into President Trump’s offshore bank account.”
Rubio noted that pieces of Ukraine containing minerals useful for building electric vehicles will be handed directly to Actual President Elon Musk.
“After our Piece Talks are done, any remaining pieces of Ukraine will be sold at a discount on the Hungarian version of Facebook Marketplace,” Rubio concluded.
The Piece Talks were chosen to be held in Saudi Arabia due to Prime Minister Mohammed bin Salman’s famed love of bonesaws.
“Originally we’d hoped to hold this Russia/US summit in a secret lair underneath an active volcano,” explained Lavrov, “but the American FAA couldn’t guarantee their planes would make it all the way to Skull Island without crashing.”
In a related story, America and Russia have planned to meet in 2026 to commence Canadian Piece Talks.
