QUEEN’S PARK – Premier Ford announced today that he will call for a snap Ontario election, conducted entirely via mail-in ballots which have been conveniently printed on the backs of the $200 rebate cheques his government recently sent out.
“Folks, with Donald Trump being elected down in the States it is extremely important that you give me the strongest mandate ever to negotiate with him, while also remembering who just sent $200 cash money right to your door,” explained Premier Ford, swapping his ‘CANADA IS NOT FOR SALE’ ballcap for a ‘SEND BRIBES TO MY DAUGHTER’S WEDDING’ hat.
Ford emphasized that his need for a new 4 year mandate is so urgent that there will be no time to explain what he intends to do with it, or even to announce a campaign platform. “Everything you need to know about my platform is printed, like the ballots for this election, right on the back of the $200 bucks currently burning a hole in your pockets. You’re welcome, folks!”
Ford further clarified that once Ontarians cash the $200 rebate cheques, “we count that as a Conservative vote.”
The upcoming provincial election will be held on February 27th, allowing just enough time for voters to receive their cheque-ballots and then spend the $200 on beer, cigarettes, or 0.118% of a down payment for an Ontario home.
“Trust me folks, you need to use that $200 cheque to vote me back into office ASAP,” Ford insisted, “Cuz if you wait too long, I might go back to saying ‘my support of Donald Trump is unwavering’ just like I did back in 2018.”
“The fact that I’m polling to clobber my unprepared opponents, wanna undermine Poilievre, and I don’t wanna wait for Ontario’s fixed 4 year election law, those are also important,” Ford added. “Now hurry! Vote with your Doug-Bucks!”
Across the province, Ontarians reacted to the news of the snap election call.
“Back in 2013 I was one of the people Doug gave 20 bucks to, to vote him into Toronto City Hall,” explained Sheila Manston of Etobicoke, “So I guess legally I have to do it again with this $200.”
“I suppose the best person to negotiate with Donald Trump is another temperamental right wing populist trust fund failson,” mused Aaron Burkes of Kitchener.
Dennis Beasley of Sudbury added, “I already spent the $200 on lottery tickets, so my hands are kinda tied here.”
At press time, Premier Ford has announced the appointment of a special US envoy to explore if President Trump likes buying Greenbelt land.
