CALGARY – Reports from the Calloway household indicate that a local ant is taking a pointlessly circuitous route to a tasty chocolate chip cookie crumb.
“He rounded the knife block twice, and then he went down to the floor for a while before he climbed back up to the countertop,” said 53-year-old Greg Calloway. “Like, hello, the crumbs I spilled are right there. No need to make a show of it.”
The ant, dubbed Antonio by onlookers, then zigzagged past the delicious baked morsel before looping back and studying a nearby piece of lint with whatever those things ants use to examine stuff are called.
“No ant is what we’d call a genius by any stretch of the imagination,” said entomologist Dr. Lucille Glenn. “But this ant in particular appears to be a fool. Maybe he’s had a long day, or his colony is working him too hard. But odds are he’s just a ninny.”
The Calloway family has proposed a variety of theories as to how Antonio arrived in their home, from coming in with the groceries to wandering in from a colony in their neighbour’s basement. What the family does agree on, however, is that Antonio is a real boob.
“It would be just like Antonio to hitch a ride on some banana,” Calloway’s teenage daughter said. “Like, you were living large in a grocery store, and now your dumb thorax is stuck with us miles from home, which is like a million miles in ant. Way to go, chump.”
“Oh my God, he walked right by the crumb again,” said Greg Calloway. “You’d better grab that real soon, buddy, or I will.”
Dr. Glenn went on to explain that even if Antonio does finally get his bearings, transporting the entire crumb will likely take several meandering trips.
“Maybe he can get some of his fathead friends to help, but if I was another ant, I wouldn’t want to hang out with this chowderhead,” Dr. Glenn said. “Good riddance.”
At press time, Antonio finally reached the crumb and began parading it around the kitchen as though mocking the humans he tricked into spending the whole day watching him amble about.
