OTTAWA – The Trudeau Liberals have announced relaxing of several mortgage rules, all with the intent of allowing more Canadians to barely afford the crappiest, tiniest investment condos that have ever existed.
“We are pleased to allow young Canadians the opportunity to spend 30 years paying off these absolutely unliveable shoebox properties,” proclaimed Finance Minister Chrystia Freeland.
“While increasing the cap on insured mortgages to $1.5 million will still keep actual houses out of reach for any non-wealthy buyers, desperate working millennials can finally afford one of the thousands of sub-standard investment condos that are currently glutting the market,” Freeland added. “You’re welcome.”
By allowing first time homebuyers to access 30 year amortizations, Freeland notes this will benefit young Canadians who could only afford to rent, “especially those poor sons of bitches in major cities like Toronto and Vancouver.”
“Well actually, prices are creeping up in Montreal as well,” noted Freeland. “And even Halifax is seeing prices climb way out of whack with what anyone can afford.” Freeland went on to reassure renters that they can now just scarcely afford to enter the bottom rung of the property ladder by purchasing “one of those 450 sq ft luxury condos that seem to keep getting built everywhere.”
“People always ask, ‘who are these terrible tiny condos actually for’, well, it turns out they’re for you.”
To explain young Canadians newfound technically-a-home-buying power, Freeland took journalists on a tour of a condo that young Canadians could theoretically afford.
“Only 3 journalists in here at a time, otherwise we’ll have to worry about CO₂ levels,” Freeland noted, as she stood in the condo’s living room/kitchen/breakfast nook.
Freeland noted that making it easier for more Canadians to buy objectively the worst properties in Canada will improve foreign relations, as many of these tiny condos were purchased by Russian, Chinese, and Saudi investors as a means of moving money out of their own authoritarian nations.
At press time, home prices have jumped 10% across Canada to keep pace with any buying power gains from the Liberal announcement.
