OTTAWA – Continuing with their vision of the utopia Canada will be if they are elected, the Conservatives have announced that, within weeks of them taking over government, your life will basically be as good as it was when you were 13 years old.
“Imagine this: you wake up in a home with your loving family instead of a basement apartment with your roommate Nikolaj,” said Pierre Poilievre while wearing a cowboy hat that seemed to grow in size every time you look at it. “You run downstairs to watch an all new episode of Buffy The Vampire Slayer and munch on some tasty McPizza. This is what life will be like under a Conservative Government.”
“It will be 1997, and you will be happy.”
Rather than focus on tax cuts or the housing crisis, the Conservative Party has spent the past several weeks running on a platform of “life will be perfect if you elect us” that will surely not be impossible to fulfil once in power. And while most of their messaging has focused on classic “blood and soil” style tributes to a lifestyle only ever embraced by rich, white suburbanites, they have also taken the time to make some more specific promises that will appeal to all Canadians. These include:
-You will never burn the roof of your mouth and, if you do, you won’t spend the next few weeks constantly flicking at the burned mouth skin with your tongue.
-Every balding man will be able to pull it off as well as Jason Statham
-Chocolate Milk will be good for you
-Your college girlfriend will call you and tell you how badly she feels about cheating on you and proclaim you the best lover she ever had. She’ll beg to get back together but you’ll just laugh and tell her you can’t because you have a date with a supermodel
-You’ll have the metabolism of a 20 year old, the financial portfolio of a 60 year old and the cheekbones of Manny Jacinto.
“These promises are all part of our common sense approach to helping Canadians get back what they lost during the Trudeau decade,” said Conservative Party spokesperson Kathleen Donaghan. “Because Canadians are realizing that their problems start and end with him, and not the fact that late stage capitalism is making life miserable for people around the globe or that life is just better when you’re 15 than when you’re 33.”
“Also, we’ll put New York Fries back in movie theatres.”
