QUEEN’S PARK – Ontario Premier Doug Ford has announced the imminent shutdown of a local safe injection site in favour of a new retail outlet devoted solely to alcohol consumption.
“I have heard the pleas of average Ontarians sick and tired of these sanctuaries to substance abuse littering our fine communities. We need proper treatment for drug addicts, not lawless places which only serve to continue to enable them to destroy their minds and bodies,” declared Ford from his dais at Queen’s Park, “And that is why we’ll be immediately evicting this blight on our province to be replaced by a far more beneficial site: Chugging Charlie’s Booze Guzzler’s Emporium and Liquor Imbibery!”
The now-former community care site and clinic provided close monitoring by trained medical staff supervising those who face profound addiction issues and who were at the highest risk of overdose and death. In its place, the new beer shillery will feature several untrained and poorly paid twenty-somethings and a purely profit-minded owner delivering literal piles of alcohol to anyone who walks through the door with a good enough ID.
“We don’t need more heroin, meth, and fentanyl in our homes and on our streets! What we need is more beer, cocktails, liquor, and wine as widely available as possible and freed from any actual oversight,” shouted Ford as he wildly uncorked a champagne bottle and sprayed the assembled crowd.
Ford added, “Unlike the scourge of opioids, alcohol sales bring revenue into the province, which I will immediately pay back to the Beer Store under our contractual agreement.”
Experts agree that alcohol is in fact fractionally less addictive than the opioids and other drugs plaguing communities across North America and that the pain it causes families is more likely to just be a dull ache spread over a long, excruciating period of time, slowly destroying the souls of people it touches from within. When pressed to take a position more than 30 times by the Ford government, health officials admitted that it is, in theory, not as bad as heroin.
Ford’s office also noted that Ontarians left without access to a safe injection site will be given a 2 for 1 coupon for a bottle of Jagermeister. As well, Ford’s new All-You-Can-Drink Booze Guzzler’s Emporium will hand out free promotional beers to everyone driving on the 407. The new emporiums will also sell Doug Ford PC branded beer funnels, whiskey stones, and butt chugging paraphernalia.
“Beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer,” shouted Ford, “beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer wine.”
“What kind of a message are we sending our kids with injection sites? We need to tell them to drink as much as possible, as often as possible, beer beer beer beer beer beer,” he continued.
The Ford government rolled out an online tool Monday to help consumers find the new alcohol bazaars, but to compensate will take away any online information about how to find local family doctors.
Government officials have announced that at least 764 new Liquor Multiplexes will be coming to towns across the province, just as soon as Ford completes his mandate to bring easy and compulsive video gambling and sports betting to as many elementary schools in the province as possible.
