PALM BEACH, FL – In a video statement taped at his Mar-a-Lago country club, former President Trump assured voters that his firmly held stance on abortion is also whatever stance will create a sufficient permission structure for them to cast their vote for him in November.
“They said it couldn’t be done, but I pulled it off,” explained Trump as he stared into the camera with a dead-eyed feral intensity. “Everybody wants to know what my stance is on a national abortion ban, and I’m happy to announce that my beliefs just so happen to align perfectly with whatever your beliefs are, which is amazing, I know, you’re welcome.”
Trump went on to clarify that his position on whether or not he believes abortion is wrong is both a deeply held moral view, and also flexible enough to encompass literally any opinion that a registered voter might possess.
“If you’re one of those religious wackjobs who thanks me for overturning Roe v. Wade and thinks every fertile woman should be outfitted with a loJack to prevent them crossing state lines to access reproductive health, I agree with you 100%,” Trump explained. “If you think abortion is a human right and should be available in every vending machine, what do you know, I also agree with you completely.”
“Heck, even if you believe that we should outsource all of our abortions to Canada, I just wanna know what it’ll take for me to put you into a voting booth, voting for me.”
Across the country, voters’ responses to Trump’s abortion statement were mixed.
Martha Greaves of Mobile, AB noted, “I know he’s lying, but I also know that he’s an amoral narcissist who views the world through entirely transactional terms, and as an evangelical voter that suits me just fine.”
Desmond Heffner of Portland, OR adds, “As an informed idiot I’m receptive to Trump’s ‘self-serving vagueness on abortion’ stance, but I’m also leaning toward RFK Jr’s ‘complete anti-vax nonsense’ platform.”
Tina Marksons of Berkeley, CA offers, “Sure, Trump will do the bidding of transnational oligarchs who want to destabilize the globe and usher in a neo-feudal era, but I saw on TikTok that Joe Biden has ‘resting old man face’, so my hands are tied.”
At press time, yes, you’re once again going to be hearing about Trump vs Biden for yet another election year.
