NEW YORK – Following the collapse of notorious online financial exchange site FTX, the future cellmate of finance mogul Sam Bankman-Fried was sentenced to 25 years stuck in a cell next to a twerpy little loser who will not stop talking about crypto currency.
“Look, I know I’m doing time for armed robbery, but locking me in here with this insufferable nerd has to be cruel and unusual punishment,” insisted William Stoker, 34.
While Stoker is currently serving out a 30 year sentence for a string of violent bank heists, judicial rights observers agree that forcing him to share a 6 by 8 foot cell with an underweight cryptobro who keeps trying to explain the blockchain surely violates the UN’s Universal Declaration of Human Rights.
“Psychologically speaking, anything longer than 20 minutes of exposure to a hyped-up nerd who’s deluded himself into believing crypto is anything but an elaborate ponzi scheme… well, we would categorize that as torture,” explains Dr. Craig Hamley, Social Psychologist.
Dr. Hamley notes that, after 25 years locked together in a cell, Stoker will either have had his brain reduced to psychological mush, or have started his own worthless form of bitcoin.
“Hard to say which is more tragic,” the doctor added ruefully.
At the Federal Penitentiary where Bankman-Fried’s cellmate will serve out his harsh sentence, sources report that Stoker has had several proposed cellmate trades rebuffed. These include deals that would see him swap the former crypto mogul for a white supremacist, a convicted pyromaniac, and three different cannibals.
Additional reports indicate that Bankman-Fried’s early attempts to transfer the entire prison economy online have turned out exactly how you are picturing.
