QUEEN’S PARK – Premier Doug Ford has announced the province will soon allow alcohol sales in convenience stores and gas stations, in hopes that Ontarians will get so recklessly blitzed that they elect him to a third term.
With a 2026 election looming, Ford believes that expanding access to beer, wine, and hard liquor will override Ontario voters’ better judgment, leading them to once again place a trust fund sticker magnate in charge of Canada’s largest province.
“Nothing beats a couple of wobbly pops, whether you’re trying to smooth talk Ontario’s voters, or your own Minister of Infrastructure,” explained Ford at a press conference.
Ontario Progressive Conservative advisors have charted the amount of readily available alcohol that will be necessary to have Ontarians forget the Ford Government’s many failings over the past several years.
“In order to get voters to forget about Ford selling off valuable Greenbelt land to his developer donors, we would need to sell light beer in some 7-11’s,” explained an OPC Polling Specialist. “If we need them to forget Ontario’s massive surgery backlog due to healthcare underfunding, we need to start selling fortified wine at every independent convenience store in the province.”
The pollster concluded, “But to get Ontario voters’ to forget the 4,335 residents who died in long-term care homes, we’ll be getting everyone blackout drunk by offering complimentary Jäger bombs with every fill up at all gas stations and ONroutes.”
Ford added, “Plus, with alcohol now being sold at all gas stations directly to Ontario’s motorists, I can’t think of a better way to honour the memory of my late brother Rob.”
Across the province, Ontarians have had mixed reactions to the 2026 expansion of alcohol sales.
Tim Redford of Thunder Bay remarked, “I don’t want to vote for Ford again, but I’ve already done some pretty stupid things in the past while hammered, like when I decided to move to Thunder Bay.”
“It’s better than the NDP’s ‘Vape and Vote’ plan,” noted Marla Koothranali of Sarnia, “Last election I got so baked I just stayed home and rewatched The Office.”
“I hope alcohol being available at corner stores doesn’t cut into my regularly scheduled drinking,” replied Calvin Grimes of Oshawa.
At press time Premier Ford has ordered a round of shots for the province in hopes that people will stop asking questions about his sale of Ontario Place to Therme Spas.
