OTTAWA – Amid backlash against the appointment of former Governor General David Johnston as special rapporteur on foreign election interference which resulted in his resignation, Prime Minister Trudeau has quickly pivoted and announced that Xi Jinping will officially replace him in the role.
“Mr. Jinping comes to us with all the requisite qualifications and bona fides necessary to fully and fairly assess the role played by China in influencing prior Canadian elections,” beamed Trudeau from the front steps of Parliament, “We thank Mr. Johnston for his valuable and unbiased service and are confident that his baton will be ably passed to the impartial Mr. Jinping.”
Political insiders point to Jinping as a curious appointee for the probe, particularly given his murky past. In particular, online searches of the new chief investigator come away with hastily scrubbed websites and cryptic references to Winnie the Pooh. Still, given the distasteful political connections revealed to have existed between Mr. Johnston and the Trudeau foundation, it is hard to imagine that Mr. Jinping could be deserving of any greater scrutiny than Johnston.
“I am humbled to be granted this great responsibility to look into the role played by the most Glorious People’s Republic of China, long may it reign supreme over all other nations,” said Mr. Jingping via remote connection from an unknown but elaborately decorated office, “Canadians can feel assured that, unlike David Johnston, my regime will root out and eradicate any threats to the goals of noble China.”
“Yes, of course, I mean Canada. Slip of the tongue,” he continued.
Members of the task force have already remarked on Jinping’s speed in gathering information, with an e-mail blast to all acting MPs expressing how angry he will be if any of them report that China tried to influence them at any time. Indeed, while Johnston spun his wheels for weeks trying to extract evidence and information from various politicians, Jinping appears to have been able to obtain hundreds of denials of interference with just a few well-placed home visits.
“We have listened to the voice of Canadians and recognize that Canada should not be put under the thumb of any foreign government,” said Trudeau from a recent diplomatic visit to Chinese Taipei. “I am eager to continue this valuable collaboration with Mr. Jinping, especially his ideas about replacing certain “uncooperative” elements within our government.”
While the final report has yet to be released, those who have seen Jinping’s expected single-paragraph report suggest it firmly concludes that “China is cool. Nobody needs to look at China any more. All good”.
