TORONTO – The regional board of Goodwill Industries has taken to social media to ask residents of the GTA to please stop leaving Maple Leafs jerseys in their used clothing bins and donation centres, as they currently have more than they could ever want or need.
“We go through this every time the Leafs blow it. We are still trying to get rid of some Kessel, Sudin, and Sittler ones,” regional store manager Jake Cochrin told the press. “We know the dump stopped taking them years ago, but you know that you’re all just going to buy new jerseys the moment they start doing well again right?”
“While we appreciate the donations, please hold onto them as we do not need any more right now. Especially not the ones designed by Beiber.”
Since the Leaf’s latest playoff elimination, hockey fans of Toronto have begun the usual tradition of making empty threats to no longer support the team and trying to distance themselves from the team as much as possible, as seen in a now-viral video of hundreds of jerseys being thrown from windows.
Goodwill Industries advises finding other uses for suddenly unpopular sportswear by using them as chair covers, dishrags, or just putting them in your bottom drawer until you inevitably jump on the bandwagon again.
According to rumours, Maple Leaf Sports and Entertainment are looking for ways to cut back on merchandise being wasted by fickle fans. Projects allegedly being considered include a buyback program for new fair-weather fans, designing biodegradable sportswear designed to erode the minute the Leafs start to lose, and a new initiative to give unwanted Leafs jerseys to small French Canadian boys so they can learn lessons about life.
Goodwill Industries also mentioned they are no longer accepting donations of the bags fans wear over their heads to games for some reason.
In related news, the Toronto laser surgery clinic has announced that they are charging extra to remove any Maple Leaf tattoos until you learn your lesson.