OTTAWA – The People’s Party Of Canada are struggling to adapt to Pierre Poilievre’s ascension to Conservative Party leader given his popularity with the men who make up the party’s base: dudes who keep a ‘rejected by’ list.
“When O’Toole was CPC leader we could easily distinguish ourselves from him,” said leader Maxime Bernier. “But now that Pierre is winning over guys who have a detailed list of women who refused their demands for a night out watching a Fast and the Furious marathon and eating at Jack Astor’s, we have a big problem.”
“If he also manages to get the ‘middle aged man who openly hates his wife and kids’ vote we’ll be totally screwed.”
Ever since it was founded the PPC has been a political home for men who track the ‘stuck up bitches’ that rejected them in a notebook or excel spreadsheet alongside notes about how sorry they’ll be once their paleo diet/investing podcast takes off.
But Poilievre and his team have been successfully courting this group through ads on Logan Paul youtube videos and direct mail campaigns to their crossfit gyms. According to political insiders these moves have paid off.
“In the 2021 election men who hate and are super horny for women went for the PPC by nearly 50 points,” said political expert Dalton Towbridge. “But a recent poll found the Conservatives actually narrowly leading among guys who refer to themselves as Sigmas despite being financially dependent on their parents.”
“At this rate Poilievre could become PM and/or the next Andrew Tate very soon.”
Not wanting to rest on their laurels the CPC strategists are already planning how to take over the PPC’s other sectors of support: drunk 45 year old women mad at the bartender for asking them to stop yelling, teenage boys who didn’t get into University “because of affirmative action probably,” and people who haven’t quite become Freemen On The Land yet, but are 1-2 videos away.
