NASHVILLE – After another successful season, the NHL will be celebrating its best players in traditional fashion, by making them sit in a crowded auditorium while a collection of obscure American media personalities butcher the pronunciation of their names.
Commissioner Gary Bettman explained the motivation for the festivities. “Hockey is the ultimate team game, no one player is above the group. That’s why it’s so important that when we celebrate an individual’s accomplishments we do so in a way that says ‘No one knows who the hell you are’”.
“Trust me, you haven’t lived until you’ve heard a country music singer try to pronounce the name David Pastrnak,” he added.
Many NHL stars themselves could hardly hide their enthusiasm for the event. Canadiens sniper Cole Caufield exclaimed “I can’t wait! Scoring twenty-six goals in the best league in the world is great, but it doesn’t feel official until someone calls me ‘Cauliflower’ and I’ve experienced flashbacks of my third grade bully”.
Meanwhile, 24-year-old Norris Trophy nominee Cale Makar touted the presence of Hollywood personalities. “Ever since my father heard that Vince Vaughn might be there, he’s been shouting ‘Vegas Baby’ all week! I have no idea what it means, but it sounds pretty exciting!”.
Lady Byng nominee Anze Kopitar added “I’m just going to tell people to call me ‘Dave’”, while Stars defenceman Miro Heisekanen commented “Honestly, it’s just an honour to not be nominated”.
While the list of presenters is being kept quiet, Deputy Commissioner Bill Daly assured fans it will be peppered with the usual group of CW actors, Real Housewives, and SNL alumni looking for a free meal.
Of course, even such a highly anticipated evening isn’t without its detractors, with Caufield citing the presence of a disheveled-looking man in a Red Wings sweater shouting at passersby “There’s no en in Lidstrom!”