Walmart CEO claims stealing is really bad, unless it’s wages from your employees - The Beaverton

Walmart CEO claims stealing is really bad, unless it’s wages from your employees

Portland, Oregon – Walmart CEO Doug McMillon recently stated the rise in thefts from Walmart stores is very bad, unlike the hundreds of million dollars Walmart stole from its own employees.

“Several stores in lefty states have had to close due to an increase in theft,” explained McMillon. “I think we can all agree that stealing is a bad thing to do, unless you work for us and we steal your wages, don’t pay overtime correctly, or charge employees for breathing in our air.”

Walmart has reported that 3 billion dollars worth of theft occurs every year, representing one percent of all their profits. Of that amount, most is due to organized thefts, but McMillon has explained that “game recognizes game.”

“Organized thieves? Shit, I get it. I don’t have a problem with them, we do organized crime to our employees every day!”

McMillon has defended the companies actions as not exactly theft, explaining, “They’re OUR wages, being taken by OUR employees, they belong to us!” McMillon also explained that the employees never said “no” while they withheld wages, meaning they were basically begging to get robbed. 

To date, Walmart has paid out $1.6 billion in employment-related violations, which McMillon brags is only “what they’ve caught us doing so far.”

“As I’ve explained to our investors, we plan to steal even more in the future,” explained McMillon. “And don’t even get me started on tax breaks. Shoot. That’s where the real game is at!”

When asked what kind of stealing McMillon views as actually unethical, he explains his problem is the petty thieves who have very little and steal out of desperation.

“They’ve got no style. No grace. No Tesla. Where is the artistry in a bushel of bananas hidden under a coat for someone’s hungry family?”