Toronto, ON – Loblaws CEO Galen Weston Jr. has recently explained to politicians on Parliament Hill that his record-breaking profits during difficult economic times are only due to Canadians’ modern fascination with eating.
“It’s a very simple business principle,” explained Weston. “Food is super trendy right now. People are looking to eat two, sometimes three meals a day. And when demand is higher than ever before due to reasons I cannot explain, and supply is low due to evidence I cannot provide, prices go up. Case closed!”
Restaurant owners in the country have explained this strange, new trend at their businesses as well, with most customers demanding to see a menu so they can order something to eat while there.
“It’s just the darndest thing,” explained Luigi Maestro, owner of a local pasta restaurant. “People walk in, they sit down, almost every single one of them orders food. These people just can’t get enough of this food stuff. 2020, nobody is coming in for food, then 2022 rolls around, everyone is suddenly outside and going to restaurants.”
Galen Weston Jr. further explained to politicians that while it seems like the profits of a company he is CEO of will go to him, that’s just not how any business works and they’re very stupid for thinking that.
Galen also defended the incredibly high cost he had to incur paying himself to star in the commercials for the chain. “Do you know how many frills I had to pay myself to do that?”
“I was actually walking through one of our real stores recently when this very real woman named Human confronted me,” explained Weston. “So we had this very real, absolutely human conversation about why food prices were so high and she gave me a very human smile and said in English, ‘Wow, you explained that so well, no further questions Galen Weston Jr.’ and we kissed and walked hand in hand out the store.”
Despite being pretty pleased and comforted by Weston’s evidence, politicians on Parliament Hill are still concerned about their upcoming trial of Doug Ford, who claimed that rising medical costs are not due to greed but people’s recent interest in “living.”