WASHINGTON, D.C. – The US Supreme Court will mark Mandatory Mother’s Day in light of their recent draft decision to overturn Roe v. Wade.
Six members of the court thanked moms everywhere from teenagers to those unaware that they will be mothers in the next nine months.
“Thank you, moms, for containing something so much more important than you: a fetal heartbeat,” wrote Associate Justice Samuel Alito in a $2 Hallmark card, adding poetically “…while your right to have an abortion is egregious from the start, my oppression of you comes from the heart.”
According to the top court, those who have lost their constitutional rights will be given flowers, school-made crafts, and cards regardless of whether they want those gifts or not.
“I’ve made paperweights for our mandatory moms as a reminder of their obligatory burden to bear children with no legal recourse,” said Associate Justice Brett Kavanaugh holding a decorative rock made in the Supreme Court’s art room. “I also drew a picture of me putting gross women and their health care providers in jail.”
Associate Justices Clarence Thomas, Neil Gorsuch, and Amy Coney Barrett were busy in the kitchen making breakfast-in-bed for the millions of Americans who will soon be disenfranchised.
“Who wants eggs?” said Thomas barging into the bedrooms of every terrified woman who is a week late. “You do not have any rights to privacy…and congratulations! There’s no getting out of this!”
Despite vowing to protect the precedent of Roe v. Wade in their Senate confirmation hearings, the justices explained that they said that those perjured statements were just innocent lies like a boyfriend’s promise to wear a condom.
According to sources, the six justices were planning to celebrate its next accomplishment of relieving the burden of a woman’s right to vote.