TORONTO – As part of their ‘don’t say anything about a 6th wave or we’ll cut you’ approach to managing COVID, Doug Ford and the Conservatives announced a full ban on sharing photos of positive rapid tests.
“Seeing almost everyone you know share a positive COVID test may give some people the idea that COVID isn’t over,” said Health Minister Christine Elliott. “Which it absolutely is! Otherwise we’d be monsters for not reintroducing mask mandates or immediately rolling out a 4th vaccine dose. And we’re not monsters so it has to be over.”
“Cases are way down, no matter what your cousin, friend, mother, sister-in-law and entire company softball team’s instagram may indicate.”
Conservatives have maintained that, despite dire warnings regarding the BA.2 subvariant causing a massive spike, case numbers in Ontario are within reasonable limits, based exclusively on the low numbers from PCR tests they have prevented almost everyone from getting. But now that private actors have started selling rapid tests in large numbers, the Tories feel the need to take further action to convince the public that things are fine, nothing to see here, go about your business.
“It’s just social media. It’s not like we’re stopping you from texting people you’ve been in close contact with to let them know. That won’t happen until next week at the earliest,” said Ford.
Starting Monday anyone who posts a photo of a positive test will be subject to a fine and community service spent helping poor down on their luck landlords evict tenants. On the other hand, anyone who posts about eating indoors or shopping without a mask will get a coupon for a free soft drink and hotdog at this year’s Ford Fest.
Asked for comment on whether this new law is a violation of people’s Charter Rights Ford paused, smiled and yelled the words “Notwithstanding Clause” louder than they had ever been spoken in history.
