Why I’m celebrating St. Patrick’s Day by driving the snakes out of this PetSmart - The Beaverton
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Why I’m celebrating St. Patrick’s Day by driving the snakes out of this PetSmart

St. Patrick’s Day is here again, and with it comes all the usual lame debauchery. Well, while everyone else is out chugging their beer and wearing their “Kiss Me I’m Irish” shirts, I will be doing the lord’s work: driving all the out of my local . As we all know, this holiday commemorates the day St. Patrick himself drove all the snakes out of Ireland, and I figured if he can cover a whole country, the least I can do is rid my local pet store of the little weirdos. Here are a few reasons why you may want to join in my crusade:

We’ve lost the meaning behind St. Patrick’s Day

Somewhere between all the drinking and green-dyed food, we lost sight of what this holiday is really meant to be about: snakes, and how we should just get rid of them. St. Patrick didn’t die fighting a million snakes so we could go and spend all our money on overpriced beer and milkshakes. That’s why I’m going to trade my Shamrock Shakes for Shamrock Snakes! And then immediately try to get rid of those Shamrock Snakes.

Snakes are weird

Ol’ Pat got it right when he decided that Ireland should get rid of all their snakes – they’re kinda gross! They’re always flicking their tongues out at people, and they shed their skin in one giant piece? Okay, I do that too, but at least I don’t hiss at people while I do it. I think that attitude is reason enough to want them gone.

Brenda’s working and I want to screw up her shift

As an added bonus, my step-sister Brenda works at this PetSmart, and trust me, she sucks. Last week, she told my dad I was hotboxing in his walk-in closet again and now he won’t let me borrow his car. Well, I bet Brenda’s gonna feel pretty stupid when she suddenly has to deal with dozens of loose snakes on the store floor.

I wanna see some snake fights

Now, I am planning to drive the snakes out of the store, but I feel like we could see some wild shit once they’re loose inside it. I mean, the hamsters are probably all goners, but what are the snakes gonna do when they get to the puppy cages? Are they gonna bite the dogs, or are the dogs going to grab them like chew toys and mess them up? I don’t know about you, but I wanna see who wins that fight, and I think that’s what St. Patrick would want, too.

Well, I hope this has convinced you to get in the fighting spirit and help me drive those slithery devils out of here. Now I just need to figure out how St. Patrick got all those snakes into his car.