GUELPH, ON – Researchers at the Ontario Veterinary College have published a paper containing a groundbreaking discovery: toe beans are an excellent source of Vitamin EEEEEEE.
The researchers made the discovery after the rigorous evaluation of more than eight hundred ethically sourced cat floof specimens over the course of several thousand naptimes.
“The experiment was difficult, but absolutely worth it,” said Dr. Axel Shepherd, local cat hoarder and lead researcher on the project. “We were inspired to conduct the study after realizing that ‘toe bean’ is an almost perfect rhyme for ‘protein’, which we discovered while making up songs to sing to the cats around the lab… so surely they had to have some sort of nutritional benefit.”
“Toe beans”, of course, is the precise zoological classification term for the magical squishy pads of delight that adorn the bottom of cats’ perfect little murder mittens. In addition to being a rich source of Vitamin EEEEEEE, the researchers found toe beans to be an excellent source of Vitamin :3, fur-lick acid, and fi-purr. Some toe beans may be rich in calico-cium, as well, but this varies based on the colouring of the beanstalk.
The paper goes on to note that floofier varieties of feline tend to grow long strands of fur between the toe beans, which the scientists have classified as “bean sprouts.”
“We also found that the mode of preparation of the toe beans has an impact on their nutritional value,” said Dr. Shepherd as he applied ointment to the approximate one thousand scratches on his forearms. “For example: cat donuts, in which one or two sets of beans are clearly visible, are moderate sources of Vitamin EEEEEEE, whereas perfectly baked cat loaves, in which the beans are concealed but their widdle pink noses are easily accessible, are a better source of probiboopics.”
The researchers also concluded that toe beans are an important renewable energy source, as the beans do not need to be consumed for humans to reap their benefits and, according to the anecdotal evidence of the entire Internet, “give us life.”
At press time, the Canadian Wildlife Federation was publishing a similar paper on how the Canada Lynx’s toe beans are a rich source of Vitamin Eh.
