QUEEN’S PARK – Premier Doug Ford made the bold pronouncement this afternoon that the closure of Ontario schools will continue for the remainder of June and – shockingly – extend into July and August.
“Folks, I’ve always said that I’ll do whatever needs to be done in order to stop this virus from spreading,” Ford said at a press conference. “And if that means enacting the radical, untested move of our children having a two-month break from school in the summer months, then so be it.”
“Three months ago, I was fine with allowing the exponential growth of the virus through workplaces, no questions asked,” Ford continued. “One would naturally assume that I’d be willing to leave schools open as well, particularly due to the comparatively smaller number of cases, but we bold, visionary mavericks are fickle and unpredictable.”
Ford noted that his audacious move of closing schools over the summer is indicative of his government’s no-holds-barred approach to combatting the pandemic. “If the federal government had its way, Ontario students would be chained to their desks, hunched over their Language Power workbooks, probably learning some kind of newfangled sex-ed curriculum all about butt stuff, with no respite on the horizon,” stated the premier.
“But we have made the heroic decision to break free from this tyranny and allow all school-aged children to take a sabbatical over the season that is not winter, spring, or fall. A summer vacation, if you will, which shall heretofore officially be known as the ‘Ford Hiatus’.”
Following Ford’s groundbreaking decision, his Provincial government is also not content to rest on their laurels. Education Minister Stephen Lecce has revealed plans to institute daily mandatory breaks for students when school eventually does resume, tentatively called “outside no-mask time”.
