TORONTO – At a press conference this morning Ontario Premier Doug Ford announced that the province would be banning all non-essential jacking off to combat the rise of COVID-19.
“Listen, folks. We all love rubbing one out, but right now we have to do our part to make sure we are only cranking the chicken when absolutely necessary,” said Ford, caressing his hairy palms. “You have to make sacrifices to get the pandemic under control. Especially those pervy yahoos in Toronto.”
Ford clarified that, from now on, masturbating will only be allowed if it makes money for someone else and, even then, in limited circumstances. For instance no more than 25 people will be allowed to jerk off in a Home Depot at the same time.
“Listen, I get that things need to be locked down. I understand why we wear masks. But the province telling me I can’t bop the bishop whenever I want to? That’s too far,” said local masturbator Aaron Pimms. “Besides how am I supposed to know when it is essential and when it is just for fun?”
Pimm isn’t the only critic of Ford’s new ban. Since the announcement there has been continual outcry over the fact that even so-called “essential masturbators” haven’t received the vaccine.
“It really seems like Ford is just making things up as he goes along. Factories spreading the virus get to stay open but I’m not supposed to diddle my fiddle more than twice a week?” said sex positivity advocate Andrew Smith. “Plus we’re only allowed to buy lube from big box stores while mom and pop sex shops have to remain closed? None of this is based on science.”
Ford said the moratorium on the non essential five knuckle shuffle was expected to last 28 days. After that he would re-evaluate the masturbation situation.
