Local woman Jessica Long fell under the spell of a hot young man, Ryan (last name unknown) in the summer, immediately taken with his every reply and Finger 11 song recommendations. Jessica quickly began swearing he was The One and even prematurely got an IUD inserted only to find out the horrific truth that every woman fears: You guys, Ryan wasn’t in love, he was only texting with her because he needs clean piss.
“We met in the comments of a Youtube video on detoxing,” Jessica said tearfully. “But then later he said he didn’t really ever eat refined sugar because he has the combined palate of Guy Fieri and the dad from Cory in The House who was the chef to the president in that universe. I should have known he was lying and only needed clean piss. I should have known.”
“I can’t believe this happened to me again!”
Jessica first felt suspicious when Ryan reportedly explained that he spent some time “away”. Assuming he meant north of Bloor, Jessica didn’t press the issue and assumed the pictures he sent were of the York University residences. But they weren’t. They were pictures of jail. So sad!
“We all assumed the guy he had to see every week and told him he couldn’t go to Cabo was his psychic,” Jessica’s bff Gezzica reported as she comforted her friend. “But actually? It was his parole officer.”
Their skepticism grew when Ryan asked Jessica to come with him to see his psychic and pee in a cup in the bathroom, pretending it was his pee. When Jessica became confused, he claimed that it was something hot he heard about on Savage Love, but no such act is discussed in any of the podcasts or even the widely unread print editions.
“I just feel so dumb,” Jessica said. “I never get duped except for that time I thought that drinking lemonade was like Plan B for mouth stuff. But never something obvious like this.”
When Jessica finally figured out the truth, she and Gezzica blocked Ryan on every platform. “She’s heartbroken, but things are looking up,” Gezzica said. “She actually got an amazing business opportunity right after they broke up. It’s like she has a gardasil angel or something. Hey, how much do journalists make? Would you like to hear about an opportunity to work from home and be your own girlboss?”
