WASHINGTON D.C. – In what may be the final batch of pardons issued by the president before the end of his term, Donald Trump has announced that COVID-19 will receive a full and complete pardon for all past crimes and transgressions.
“I really feel that COVID-19 has gotten a bad rap from the liberal media over the past year and a lot of the bad feelings are coming from the fake news spin machine,” the President shouted as he entered a nearby idling limousine. “Only Sleepy Joe Biden and his gang of socialists could make a villain out of something just for doing its job!”
While many were expecting some shocking pardons to be issued in the waning days of this administration, insiders were still surprised at the inclusion of an infectious disease among other individuals who, while detestable, are still technically human. Others, however, point out that Trump has always felt a special sort of kinship with COVID-19. Both Trump and the illness entered the sphere with no past experience under their belt yet immediately caught the ire of the public at large. Both were responsible for the imprisonment of large chunks of people against their will. And both eventually found themselves responsible for the deaths of large numbers of people across the country and, indeed, the world.
“It’s no secret that I see a lot of myself in COVID-19, both of us being underdogs who rose to the top of our fields. And during the two weeks when we shared a respiratory tract this past October, I learned that it’s really not that bad a guy,” Trump declared about the deadly illness.
Trump’s pardon is not without precedent. Following the introduction of a vaccine, James Madison opted to pardon Smallpox in order to prevent uneducated Americans from forming mobs seeking to capture and imprison the disease in makeshift jail cells. And of course, schoolchildren across the country are regularly taught of FDR’s famed pardon of his own legs for being riddled with polio and therefore showing weakness to the Axis powers.
“I just don’t think that wanton disregard for the health and safety of Americans should attract legal scrutiny,” Trump muttered as beads of sweat formed on his brow, “It’s time for all of us to start looking past the short term actions of this virus and think maybe if we just wait 10 or 20 years, its actions will be judged by history to be good.”
The pardon comes at the 11th hour, following multiple failed attempts by Kim Kardashian to persuade Trump to do so. The president’s action also accompanies COVID-19 amid a shadow of suspicion, as a recently leaked bribery scandal has suggested that it promised to kill Trump’s many, many, many enemies in exchange for the pardon.
When asked what it would do with its newfound clemency, COVID-19 announced plans to use its notoriety for a soft landing at a media conglomerate. FoxNews has already confirmed plans to rebrand one of its hallmark shows to Fox & Visibly Infected Friends.
Still, despite constant lobbying, Trump ultimately refrained from pardoning any of the 40 communicable diseases Rudy Giuliani has spread over the past four years.