WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump has announced that he is not worried about his oncoming second impeachment as he “already has built up a strong immunity to it.”
“Remember when you get impeached once, you get better, and you’re immune,” said Trump. “I don’t even think I need a lawyer frankly, the impeachment will likely go away by itself. I’m basically not even hurt by all of this, barely feel anything. Impeachments are like a microscopic peice of dust. I wasn’t feeling good after that whole supporting open treason thing and having my ability to communicate with other people deemed ‘extremely dangerous and misleading,’ and that’s okay I expected that at some point.”
Despite Trump believing his condition is not contagious, many of his own Republican Party members have shown strong symptoms, similar to other politicians who were caught supporting open treason. Symptoms include resignations, being shouted at at airports from their own supporters, and being suspended from social media.
“I even googled my symptoms,” said Trump. “The only result was basically the plot of Double Jeopardy which is incredible because I love that movie and always saw myself as a Tommy Lee Jones-type but more handsome.”
Trump and his team of aides have not released information indicating when Trump first tested positive for being a treasonous ass. However a USA Today investigation reveals that, before his symptoms were diagnosed, Trump may have exposed thousands of people to authoritarian dogma.
“You know, 99.9 percent below a substantial age has no problem. I mean they can consider becoming terrorists and maybe buying a gun and shooting innocent people but they don’t get fully impeached,” Trump said falsely suggesting his bullshit only poses a threat to the nation’s elderly.
While it is true that older people and those with underlying racist values are at greater risk of contracting views that are hateful and illegal, Trump’s comments ignore the serious cases of mental illness and white nationalism among younger Americans and the potential for these people to spread treason further throughout the country.
“Perhaps there is some kind of injection, maybe if you blend up some pardon papers and inject it directly into the body,” Trump improvised as a potential cure to impeachment others could try. Reporters continued to stare at the president in shock after his suggestion until their noses bled and then collapsed on the floor.
