SOMEWHERE OFF THE COAST OF CUBA – Explorers have stumbled upon an entirely uncharted island between Cuba and Jamaica with a population that consists solely of Canadian politicians on holiday during a pandemic.
The discovery was made when, while searching for new lush locations to film The Bachelor, the explorers stumbled upon the small island and were lured in by beautiful siren songs about keeping your circles small and not traveling this holiday season.
“We were completely blindsided,” said ship captain Toni Swath. “How did they even get to this island? Does no one keep track of them?”
The Caribbean island, which measures approximately 12 square kilometers and houses a harbour, an airplane landing strip, and a seemingly inexhaustible supply of green screens and webcams, is estimated to house about 60% of the Canadian federal and provincial governments at any time.
“We sent a few transmissions to attempt communication,” Swath commented further, “but every message they send in return seems jumbled, contradictory, and includes a staged photo they took 2 months ago.”
After the small colony of Canadian ministers, MPs and MPPs was revealed to the public, Canadian political leaders responded to the discovery with shock and chagrin. “I’m very troubled by this news,” Ontario Premier Doug Ford had to shout on video call over what seemed to be crashing wave sounds. “I’ll investigate this quality tropical experience and lush green scenery with the relaxing ocean air as soon as I’m able.”
Federal NDP Leader Jagmeet Singh commented on the discovery of at least one NDP MP on the island by tweeting “We understand why they felt the need to travel to this island, but not telling us beforehand gave us little room to save face upon discovery.”
Alberta Premier Jason Kenney responded by saying any disciplinary action against MLAs visiting the island was unnecessary as the UCP continually losing the nightly beach volleyball tournament was punishment enough
Experts who’ve been studying the island and its inhabitants believe cutting off travel from the island entirely will dramatically improve the lives of Canadian citizens.