“I won’t let some left-wing conspiracy to destroy small businesses ruin Christmas,” said the former Kris Kringle. “If Costco can serve chicken wings all day to anyone, then it only makes sense that Santa will be serving everyone their Christmas gifts, in their homes, world-wide.”
Health experts all over the world have shared their concerns at the devastating impact Santa Claus coming to town could have if he were to catch and spread the virus to every home in the world.
“There is no end of the world scenario worse than how badly Santa would fuck us all over with his current attitude,” said Tedros Adhanom, head of WHO.
Santa’s workshop elves have also shared their concerns about Santa bringing COVID back to the North Pole. “We’re incredibly susceptible to disease on account of our organs being made out of candy and glitter,” said Swee T. Caeke, head labourer and elf union representative. “Norwalk killed 50,000 elves just a couple years ago. We’re a pretty sheltered community and while we respect Santa’s spirit, we think he might be spending his energy on the wrong side of this issue.”
Santa has responded to the elves’ requests by calling them “snowflake cowards” and has reportedly doubled their daily work hours from 10 to 20 per day.
The WHO has said Santa will be charged $1,000 per home he invades but his followers have already raised 1.2 trillion using GoFundMe. “The war on Christmas is hitting a pivotal moment right now,” said Santa on his twitter account. “Libtards the world over are trying to assassinate me, they always have been trying. But Santa is coming this year, whether you’re naughty or nice or a cuck. Follow me on Parler to hear the TRUE meaning of Christmas!”
Representatives from WHO have requested that Santa at the very least wear a mask during his visits as a single laugh would not only shake his belly like a bowl full of jelly but could kill an entire home of occupants. Santa has refused, noting that he won’t be wearing a “commie flag” over his mouth, and asked, “if everyone else is wearing a mask, then it shouldn’t matter if I wear one right? Or do masks not actually work? Triggered much?”