OTTAWA – Across Canada, thousands of wolves-in-grandma’s clothes expressed delight at how much their “grandchildren” have grown since the last time they’ve seen them.
“Uh why are my ears so big? What a direct and observant question, little Tommy! I guess, all the better to hear you with my dear… yeah let’s go with that,” stuttered one particular wolf adorned in an old-timey bonnet. “Now how about you scooch on closer to your grandma, I don’t have me glasses and my eyesight isn’t what it used to be.”
The sentiments of these wolves-in-grandma’s clothes tend to border ‘creepy’ and ‘totally normal and non-intrusive coming from family.’ In particular, many grandchildren have reported that they were told they’ve “really filled out, eh?” from the drooling and glassy-eyed canine imposters.
The Public Health Agency of Canada warns that in addition to the dangers of exacerbating the virus that visiting family during the holidays presents, most wolf-on-child crime occurs when visiting elderly relations.
“How are we still having this discussion? My big beefy are all the better to hug you with my dear,” snarled a slack-jawed wolf, snapping a set of knitting needles.
Moments before a gruesome incident of pedicide, an Amazon Alexa caught a wolf-in-grandma’s clothes saying, “Ugh what now, my teeth?! My cartoonishly, large, pointy teeth?! Well if you must know dearheart, they’re all the better to eat you with, you rude little dumbass!”
For now, the only way to protect children from untimely and folksy death seems to be keeping them away from anyone presenting as elderly and adorable.
