WASHINGTON D.C. – As news outlets confirm their earlier projections of a Biden electoral college win, President Donald Trump has announced further intentions to contest the results in a bid to make himself too pathetic for a future Justice Department to indict.
“Why else would I be holding huge rallies and launching frivolous lawsuits in every state,” announced the leader of the free world from as he phoned in to Fox & Friends, “My hope is that when Biden picks his Attorney General, that guy will be like ‘Ugh, I feel gross kicking this sad piece of crap while he’s down’, and then they’ll just let me go.”
The Fox News morning hosts, all visibly repulsed by Trump’s palpable lack of shame, mumbled responses about how the legal strategy was “novel” and “outside the box thinking”.
With Trump currently projected to lose the electoral college by 306 to 232 votes, many inside his inner circle believe this “look completely wretched” strategy is the soon-to-be-Ex-President’s best bet to stay out of prison. Most insiders doubt Trump ability to withstand even a fraction of the potential indictments that could be launched once he is no longer president, and see avoiding justice all together as his only option.
“Look, we did a whole lot of crimes, and those are just the ones people already know about,” explained Trump son-in-law and advisor Jared Kushner. “Once Biden’s guys get in the building and see these receipts, our only shot is gonna be to hold the saddest, most desperate rallies this country has ever seen. I’m talking completely made up fraud allegations, utterly unhinged conspiracy theories. Kid Rock not as a musical guest but as an actual speaker.”
Kushner continued, “Once even OANN won’t air our rallies out of pure visceral disgust, then we’ll know we’re home free.”
Legal experts define Trump’s stated strategy, deliberately debasing himself so thoroughly that prosecutors are compelled to turn away in revulsion, as “the Ross Gellar Defense”. These experts also predict Trump will be forced to far exceed the routine patheticness of his normal rallies, just in order to exceed Federal and State prosecutors’ eagerness to charge him with numerous felonies once he is out of office.
Jacinda Marks, professor of political science at Cornell University, added, “I’m not saying President Trump would have to soil himself live on stage in front of thousands of fans in order to overwhelm prosecutors’ threshold for pity, but I’m also saying it wouldn’t hurt.”
At press time, Trump was reportedly steeling himself for what he described as “the ultimate self-humiliation” – awkwardly dancing to the YMCA on stage again.
