OTTAWA – The Trudeau Government has reassured Canadians that every person who is no longer able to apply for government assistance can apply for the “Call Your Parents” benefit.
“It’s greatly superior to the previous CERB payments,” said Prime Minister Justin Trudeau during a press conference. “CYPB allows Canadians to reconnect with their loved ones by asking them to send them money they cannot earn from working due to COVID. Under the previous benefit, there was never a reason to keep in touch with your family. This benefit also requires the government to do nothing, so it’s really a complete success.”
Trudeau continued by saying, “As we all know, our parents also have trust funds and a ton of money just waiting around for their children to inherit, so it makes sense to begin this process earlier so Canadians can learn more about their rich parents.”
The calculation of how much each child will receive is based on several factors, including: how many compliments the offspring has given the parent over a lifetime; how much their partner is liked by said parents; and how often they initiate phone calls without having to be reminded.
The Trudeau Government has also made it clear that all of the money sent to their kids is considered taxable income, therefore if a parent sends $2,000 to their kids, it’s best to assume they actually are getting $1,700.
The Trudeau Government is also excited to announce the launch of several other benefits to support fellow Canadians including the “rich uncle” benefit, the “calling your shitty ex” benefit, and the “dip into your bar mitzvah money” fund.
Justin Trudeau added, “Even though your parents are expected to pay up, you will still have to be on hold with the CRA for 8 hours.”
