DENMARK – The LEGO corporation issued an announcement yesterday that it will be recalling all police-related toy sets after thousands of angry customers reported that the pieces broke down dangerously when placed under the smallest amount of pressure.
Washington mother Andrea Marshall emailed LEGO last week after her ten-year-old son was sent to the hospital following an all-too-common run-in with a particularly brittle Police Chief minifigure.
“LEGO has always been painful to step on,” she snapped, “but this was on a whole other level. My boy Damien just looked at the damn figurine and it exploded on him, sending little plastic handcuffs shooting into his eye. Is it too much to ask that the toys I pay for to keep my children happy and healthy at the very least don’t cause them severe injury?”
LEGO CEO Niels B. Christiansen explained that although his company’s move has been protested by some, after testing the product and witnessing firsthand the potential lethality of the sets’ unchecked fragility, the choice was ultimately a no-brainer.
“After hearing countless stories of innocent people being injured after expecting the LEGO police pieces to function the way they were advertised, pulling them from the shelves was an easy decision to make,” Christiansen explained, showing off a minifig whose tiny bodycam had snapped off and become lodged in a customer’s throat. “I’m honestly just appalled that we put such an obviously dangerous product out into the world and I apologize for not protecting the public from this clear menace.”
“Going forward, we’ll be replacing the recalled police toys with a new line of Social Worker minifigures. They provide all the same fun of watching over your LEGO townsfolk, but with no casualties.”
This recall is not without controversy, as some hold the opinion that if people don’t want the pieces to break so easily, they should just leave them alone.
“If these whiny, fun-hating safety experts think that they can just get rid of my precious police sets, they have another thing coming,” vowed 50-year-old avid LEGO enthusiast Greg Filbert. “If you don’t want to get hurt, just don’t interact with the LEGO police. Children’s plastic miniatures aren’t meant to be toyed with!”
At press time, LEGO had just announced that it would also be recalling all White House sets in order to properly outfit the President minifigure with his very own bunker and crying pillow.
