OPINION: It’s time to reopen the Ark of the Covenant - The Beaverton

OPINION: It’s time to reopen the Ark of the Covenant

As we all know, we are in the middle of a singularly unique crisis right now. The world is hurting and needs help. That is why it’s the time for us to quit acting like wimps and fully reopen the Ark of the Covenant.

I may not be an expert or a religious scholar, but I do know that staying cooped up indoors in a giant warehouse in some wooden crate is no condition for the Ark of the Covenant to be in. That gilded chest featured in the Indiana Jones classic Raiders of the Lost Ark deserves to see the light of day and it is my RIGHT to open it in front of as large a crowd as possible. I haven’t been able to get a salon blowout in months, which is why I need to feel the wind of a thousand vengeful spirits blasting through my hair, no matter how “dangerous” that may be. 

Many people in the media will whine that the last time the Ark of the Covenant was opened, it melted the face of Nazi commander Arnold Toht, caused the traitorous archaeologist René Belloq’s head to explode, and instantly killed a platoon of soldiers – and this is true. But this fact isn’t a reason for us not to reopen it. On the contrary, it teaches us how this time, we can open it more carefully.

Not everybody who was present last time the Ark was opened actually died. Indiana Jones and Marion Ravenwood were completely unharmed because they had their eyes closed, so we as a society simply need to all keep our eyes closed at all times and we’ll be FINE.

It’s also important to point out that most of the people who died from the previous opening of the Ark of the Covenant were soldiers during wartime. They were probably going to die soon anyway, so who cares if they’re instead killed by a terrifying spectre released from an ancient holy artifact?

Death is sad, obviously, but when you compare a statistically small number of Ark-related deaths to the awesome power that it is said to contain, keeping it closed simply isn’t worth letting a few extra people stay alive. Sure, some folks will tell you that any plan that requires countless people to die so that others can possess power and greatness is morally wrong, but I’m not really imaginative enough to think of any other way for the world to work, so let’s crack open that Ark already!