Scarborough, ON – Local Tim Hortons employee Jim Matthews feels invincible after his management has installed a thin plastic sheet in front of his register.
“I’ve never felt so powerful,” stated Jim behind the fifteen-dollar barrier now common in all fast-food restaurants and convenience stores. “Some poor sick mortal sneezed in my direction and only twenty percent of it got on me, the poor fool.”
Several Tim Hortons locations have closed recently over their employees reporting that they had contracted COVID-19. Jim explains that these cases are merely employees who weren’t of “The Chosen.”
“They were merely mortals pretending to have the vast power I possess,” stated Jim as the thin barrier fell a few inches due to the scotch tape losing its stickiness. “It is only once you truly believe in grand lord Hortons that you become immortal. I don’t even need to wash my hands anymore! They simply were not (coughs) strong enough to handle the massive responsibility of this power. My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings; Look on my Works, ye Mighty, and Achooo!
During the interview, Jim began to get the chills, which he stated was his body, “acclimating to this newfound power.” Jim says the only threat to his peerless might is the employees of LCBO who apparently have visors, allowing them mobility as well as the same complete invulnerability Jim possesses.
Jeremy Hasting, a local criminal has now retired due to the difficulty with robbing convenience stores given how impenetrable the cheap plastic sheet makes them.
“This used to be an easy gig, you walk in, stick a gun in their face, walk out with the cash,” stated Jeremy. “But now, I walk in and I know there’s no way any bullet is getting through that stuff. It’s like every drive-thru is it’s own fort knox.”
