LIVING ROOM – As Canada enters its third month of mandatory self isolation, local man, Max Easton, has abandoned all traditional concepts of time and has decided to discern his days using the ripeness of bananas.
“When self-isolation first began, I tried to keep a routine,” said Max, who hasn’t left the house since early March. “But soon the days began to meld together and I found myself asking Alexa ‘what day is it?’ instead of making her say crude things like I used to do…”
Easton explained that, according to him, Monday to Sunday no longer exist. Instead, the seven days of the week have been replaced with stages of banana ripeness: Green, Greenish, Almost Ripe, Ripe, Very Ripe, Gross, and Dumbledore’s Hand. At Dumbledore’s Hand, Easton takes his weekly shower.
“Once the bananas become inedible, I store them in the freezer with the others. I swear I’ll use them to make banana bread…one day…”
Easton also went on to explain how his twenty-four hour clock is now represented by his cyclical processing of the twelve stages of grief. “Normally, there are only seven stages but I discovered more. So, if you tell me ‘Drag Race is on Fridays at 8PM’ that means nothing to me. Instead, if you say “Drag Race is on very ripe day at ‘fuck this, I’m going blonde’ then I know exactly what you’re talking about.”
“At first, I thought he was just being quirky,” said boyfriend Jamie Sanchez, over Zoom. “We normally schedule daily video calls but then he started setting the date as ‘two ripe avocados from now’ and the time as ‘when the shadow from the table hits the wall.’ ’”
As self-isolation measures are anticipated to continue well into the fall and winter months, Max Easton has already adapted his time telling system to accommodate daylight savings.
“‘When the condensation droplet runs down from my glass’, it’ll be time to spring forward and then we’ll fall back ‘once the light finally leaves my eyes.’ ”
