OTTAWA – After several weeks in self-isolation, and several months after their last haircut, thousands of Canadians took matters into their own hands and opted to shave their heads. This thereby solidified Canada’s status as the world’s most aerodynamic nation.
“I noticed that my hair was just starting to grow over my ears, which I find abhorrent, repulsive, and the mark of a collapsing society,” said a defensive Charlie Naccarto from Red Deer, Alberta. “I guess it could have been the cabin-fever or the fact that I’ve been day-drinking every day since social distancing measures had been enacted, but I said fuck it and started hacking away.”
Surprisingly, many Canadians were already in possession of salon-quality hair clippers. Though prior to the COVID-19 pandemic, the only hair that ever graced said clippers were pubic in nature.
“So I shaved my partner’s head, and then they shaved my head,” whispered a shell-shocked Sam Ricardo from Montreal, running their hands over their patchy scalp. “Now when we take our hour long evening walk, we’ve definitely noticed a reduction in drag… which is good, I think?”
Scientists from the University of Toronto have begun research into Canadians’ post-shave flow. Dr. Gladys Soursby assured reporters that her team’s dynamic modelling shows a significant decrease in turbulence in Canadians moving through space, which is especially needed to maintain optimal social distance.
“We’ve begun some preliminary wind tunnel experiments,” said a breathless Dr. Soursby. “Thanks to thousands of voluntarily bald Canadians, who’s to say that we can’t become the first country with citizens who’ve evolved to be hypersonic!”
Reportedly, once the U.S. caught wind of Canada’s newest superlative, President Trump ordered all NASA funding be reinvested into this matter and for all Americans to “shave down to the skin, even if your head shape is lumpy and weird.”
