It’s never too early to put on a stylish straw hat and get your hands dirty with some backyard gardening! But how can you protect your plants from the cold icy grip of frost? Salt! That’s right, …
Month: March 2020
CDC urges Americans to stay safe by doing opposite of everything Trump says
ATLANTA, GA — Following a televised White House address, the Centers For Disease Control is urging Americans to take precautions against the COVID-19 virus by studying President Trump’s ins…
Notorious hot air balloon thief’s getaway foiled by gentle breeze
LETHBRIDGE, AB – The infamous ‘Basket Bandit,’ scourge of the dirigible community, was finally caught today when his attempt to abscond with a large rainbow balloon was thwarted by a gentle…
Study: Attending Ottawa Senators game best way to isolate self from coronavirus
OTTAWA – For those looking to quarantine themselves from the coronavirus, health officials are recommending attending any Ottawa Senators home game to escape crowds or any human contact. “O…
Man spends entire movie thinking about how badly he needs to pee
REGINA – After consuming a large Diet Coke during the commercials, trivia game and previews local man Desmond Mathune spent the entirety of his two hour movie watching experience thinking a…
Devastated stock brokers with faces in hands clearly not taking coronavirus precautions seriously
NEW YORK – Stock brokers throughout the world holding their faces in disbelief at the economic consequences of coronavirus have not been taking public health advice seriously. WHO advised t…
Two-year-old’s backup teddy bear on thin fucking ice
WINNIPEG —- Reports have confirmed that Mr. Broccoli, a teddy bear who has for most of the afternoon been subbing in for two-year-old Eleanor McWilson’s favourite teddy bear, Pinky, is going to b…
Experts scramble to figure out how global oil price crash the fault of Wet’suwet’en protestors
CALGARY — As oil prices crash 31% worldwide and the Dow drops more than 2,000 points over Coronavirus fears, oil industry experts are working hard on a way to blame all of this on recent We…
Philosopher doesn’t feel so smart after getting run over by trolley
MISSISSAUGA, ON – A local philosopher has found himself rethinking his active career, worried that academia may have failed him following a Sunday morning dilemma that ended with the 42-yea…
