ATLANTA, GA — Following a televised White House address, the Centers For Disease Control is urging Americans to take precautions against the COVID-19 virus by studying President Trump’s instructions and then doing literally the opposite of every one of them.
“The President’s address was remarkably succinct in terms of how this virus should be addressed”, explained head CDC virologist Dr. Liam Zhang, “provided viewers take each and every word he said and flip it upside down. At that point, it becomes legit great advice.”
Zhang pointed to Trump’s televised insistence that insurance companies would pay for Coronavirus-related claims as one example. “That was a great piece of opposite advice, seeing as how the Insurance Companies have announced no such plans. Observant Americans should note that they will need to pay out of pocket for any and all COVID-19-related illnesses, and use that as justification for even more extreme caution.”
“Great backwards work, Mister President,” Zhang remarked.
Other opposite advice Dr. Zhang noted in the President’s televised address included: the immediately-amended European travel ban (“Yeah, it doesn’t work that way”); the President’s insistence that testing kits were widely available (“Not sure if this was a mistake or a lie, either way they’re not”); and finally Trump’s insistence on labelling COVID-19 as a “foreign virus” (“It’s an American virus now, so please wash your hands”).
“Statistically, it should be impossible for someone to be this perfectly incorrect about every detail of an issue so complex,” Dr. Zhang explained. “I’m actually more impressed than horrified.”
CDC officials have reportedly urged the president to deliver another speech where he tells Americans to never wash their hands, attend as many public gatherings as possible, and show up to work even when feeling sick.
Beyond just the president’s nearly fact-free prime time address, Zhang points out that Trump’s entire way of life represents a handy “What Not To Do” guide for those concerned about contracting coronavirus.
“I mean, he’s a senior citizen in poor health who ignores experts and keeps flying around the country to shake hands with strangers gathered in large arenas,” Zhang listed. “Like I said before, just write down every single thing Trump does, and then do the precise opposite of that.”
“Oh, and be sure to eat vitamin C as opposed to processed McDonalds food. Almost forgot that one,” Zhang hastily added, before returning to coordinating the CDC’s pandemic response.
At press time, President Trump was tweeting that Americans should avoid getting “coronary virus” by licking as many public surfaces as possible and sticking their hands into the mouths of strangers.
