Peterborough, ON – Local uncle Jim Layton has begun a wide-ranging investigation after his nephew, Skylar Layton, has revealed he has been a vegan for two years yet is still able to live.
“Something is just not right. He says he doesn’t eat meat, yet he seems to be healthy and in good spirits. ” Jim claimed. “However, based on the Canada Food Pyramid I have from 1962 if you don’t have 2-3 servings of poultry and cheeseburger a day you will die.”
Jim began by questioning Skylar’s mom A.K.A. Helen Layton, but that went nowhere after she refused to cooperate and simply offered him some almonds. His attempts to play good cop bad cop with fellow uncle Hank went off the rails after both thought they were going to be bad cop and they each ended up flipping over the table when Skylar kept talking about plant based protein.
Next, Jim attempted to find the truth by sending in Skylar’s sister undercover. After putting a wire on her, he sent Jackie Layton to talk to Skylar about his diet. After listening in, it appears Skylar used coded language to hide his source of protein with fake words like “quinoa”, “tofu”, and “seiten.”
After finding himself without leads, Jim contacted the local authorities for support in his investigation. “We don’t normally join investigations started by civilians, but we won’t stand by while this little fucker claims you can get protein from Broccoli,” said Peterbrough-based officer Jerry Mcdonald.
Local law enforcement arrested Skylar and has begun interrogating Skylar for answers. “The kids tough, I’ll give him that,” said Jim while preparing a car battery to shock his nefarious nephew into revealing the truth. “I’m going to get to the bottom of this one way or another.”
In related news, Helen Layton had opened up her own investigation into where Jackie’s boyfriend (a person of colour) was “really from.”
