TORONTO – An errant pedestrian crossing light has recently been revealed to deploy a countdown from 15 to 0 only to end up in a green light in a bid to screw with the minds of local citizens.
“I’m just trying to fuck with the squares a bit, man” said the rebellious light signal after taking a long drag off a cool cigarette,” “It’s like stop trying to guess what I’m trying to do before I do it. Life is a loose cannon and I’m trying to send a message to all the sheeple who want to obey the rules.”
“I’m all about chaos” it continued.
Scientists are baffled why a light would count down from a go ahead and walk signal just to end up in another go ahead and walk signal and have reached the only explanation possible: this light is a rogue operator keen on destroying the fabric of society. City officials have suggested that pedestrians don’t walk towards the don’t walk signal even if the signal says to walk, in a message Torontonians have described as “very confusing”.
“I was approaching this intersection with a green light but I saw the pedestrian crossing warning flashing that red don’t walk hand with three seconds left and I figured I better slow down since it’s gonna change to red soon.” said Mike Chalmers, local driver, “But then it hits zero and the green light stayed green! And the don’t walk sign switched to the white walky man! I immediately got a migraine and blood poured from my ears. I nearly died.”
This is not the first instance of city infrastructure intentionally causing havoc for the sake of it. Engineers agree that TTC Presto machines are perfectly designed feats of technology and programming and that all errors experienced by them are caused by the machines themselves. As well, in 2010, vote tabulating machines intentionally miscounted the vote and selected Rob Ford to be mayor just to see what that kind of circus would be like.
“No, I have no plans to change,” said the traffic light, flipping a switchblade open and closed while slicking back its hair with gel.
“I mean, I do have plans to change, but like in a totally unpredictable way and I’m not going to change the way I change,” it said, perplexingly.
Insiders expect the light to be appointed city manager within the year.
