TORONTO – As residents head to the polls this morning, all signs suggest that the city’s new mayor is likely to be Doug Ford wearing John Tory’s face as a mask.
Polling data suggests the Ford-Tory hybrid has 60% voter support, compared with 30% for Jennifer Keesmaat, 5% for Saron Gebresellassi, and way-too-many-% for the devil, wearing Faith Goldy’s face.
In a last minute press conference, Ford made an impassioned speech through Tory’s thin lips: “I am confident Toronto will choose me, the only person with the courage to stand up to Premier Ford – who is honestly doing such a great job,” he announced, re-securing Tory’s sagging forehead to his skull with a fresh piece of duct tape.
It is unknown when Ford assumed control over Tory’s face, though many point to the telling glint in Ford’s eye in that photo of him smacking Tory with a cricket bat, and the agonized screams emanating from Tory’s office shortly thereafter. Suspicions began when Tory started saying folks a lot, and also when they noticed that his eyelids never closed.
Etobicoke voter Agnes Greggory, 76, says Tory’s face has got her vote. “There’s something soothing about his voice, like he’s just finished offering me a beer for a dollar and vengefully gutting city council. I really feel I can trust him to keep property taxes low, and do whatever else mayors are supposed to do.”
This is the first mayoral race for Ford wearing Tory’s face, though he previously ran for mayor in 2014, using his own face and his brother’s support base. This is the second mayoral race for Tory’s face, which won the 2014 election while still attached to its original owner.
At press time, a heavily bandaged figure has been spotted wandering the halls of Tory’s downtown condo, moaning incoherently, a thick ooze of drool coming from the place his mouth should be.
