Which cult do I need to join to get a fashionable linen matching set? - The Beaverton

Which cult do I need to join to get a fashionable linen matching set?

By Janine Suarez

Listen, I feel like I need to say this right off the top, I do NOT condone the mass suicides that most prominent are known for, however I do admire how dedicated they were to killing the fashion game!

Everyday I wrestle with the thought that ‘yes cults are bad, obviously’ and ‘why can’t I find an all-white outfit that satisfies me???’ Maybe I’m just a wayward soul without a purpose looking for a charismatic leader to give me style cues. Tell me, is that so bad?

My ideal fringe organization would provide ample amounts of breezy sensible clothings in beautifully deconstructed soft styles. Think the vacation vibes of the Peoples Temple when they relocated to the Jonestown settlement in , meets the warm hues of the always impeccably clothed Rajneeshees. Just toss me a lush maroon tunic and call me Ma Anand Sheela!

What I about fashion is their commitment to local designers (right on the compound!) and affordability (free, so long as you provide them your entire life’s assets and uncompromising devotion). These huge corporate fast fashion factories like H&M could never match cult clothing in terms of quality or ethics!

However not all cult garb is created equal, I’m looking at you Heaven’s Gate. An all black shirt, sweats, and Decades combo doesn’t scream effortless chic to me. Sure 90s is definitely back and on trend right now, but it’s just not for me!

Again, I need to reiterate that I do NOT like it when my fashionable guru begins to stockpile illegal weapons with the purpose of waging war on the entire government. I’m also NOT a fan when the entire sect is just okay with predatory behaviour towards young girls! Can’t we all just co-exist in identical prairie dresses on an isolated commune without making things weird?

My journey towards finding my dream sartorially elegant cult continues. But I’m not defeated, because with the rate that messiahs keep popping up, I’m sure I’ll be indoctrinated soon!

Photo Credit: http://crimeviral.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/Heavens-Gate-1-.jpg