Kingston, ON – The students and faculty of All Star Defensive Driving Academy were delighted to find a star pupil in 65 year old Derek Knox, who knew the answer to every single question posed about drinking and driving.
“Derek really showed an aptitude in class today,” said instructor Fatima Patel. “He didn’t have all the answers for who has the right of way at what kind of intersection, but as for the drinking and driving section, he knocked it out of the park. Numbers of demerit points, fines, you name it, he knew it.”
“He could even quote Bill C-226, the act of parliament that eliminated the ‘if you’re within a mile of your house, the cops just let you go home’ rule,” she added.
According to students, Knox sat quietly with his arms crossed and declined to participate in group conversations for the first two hours of Saturday’s class, save for some loud sighs and low mutters.
“At first, I thought that old guy was weird,” said 16 year old student Brianna Moore. “Especially after he called my boyfriend Jake a ‘Little Smart Aleck’ for making a joke about checking blindspots. But, when the drunk driving part came up, he actually taught us a lot. Like that you can sometimes fool a breathalyzer by eating a raw onion or sucking on a penny.”
“He said eating a shirt or pair of boxer briefs won’t work, though. The cotton won’t soak up the alcohol, that’s just a common misconception.” added Brianna. “Which, I guess is good to know.”
“He certainly gave the students a lot more tips than I would have liked, but I admit, he knew his stuff.” Said Patel. “During the in-class roleplay exercise, he gave a flawless demonstration of how to pass a field sobriety test- I think he even had the backwards alphabet tattooed on his palms! When the student playing the cop tried to arrest him anyway, he gave a very convincing speech about being a Free Man On The Land, and how the police had no right to pull him over.”
After class, Derek Knox hopped on his evo bike and went home. He has refused to comment on the story, per a letter from his Crown appointed attorney.
