Trenton, ON – After coming home late following a drunken evening with friends, a hungover Robin wished the humans talking loudly below his tree branch would shut the fuck up.
“I met the flock at the bush for some fermented honeysuckle berries. Long story short, I ended up getting pretty trashed and I got back to the tree super early,” said the Robin as he adjusted his tiny sunglasses and took a sip of Gatorade from a discarded pistachio shell. “I only got like two hours of shut-eye before those two legged assholes started squawking their bullshit.”
Robin-human relations are at their worst in the springtime in part because panicked, overweight humans, who spend the winter months bulking up in their hovels, will sign up for early morning boot camp classes in a desperate attempt to get a “summer body” in order to attract a mate.
“Listen, I get it. It’s spring: We’re all horny. But why can’t they just hop in a tree, show off whatever they consider plumage, and chirp sweetly for hours like the rest of us?
Meanwhile robins, voted nature’s number one party animal, find this encroachment on their natural habitat particularly irritating because its often accompanied by endless whining and groaning which prevents the number party bird from sleeping in after a long night of bird boozing.
“Look I don’t have a problem. If anyone has a problem it’s those unfeathered dipshits moaning about squats and breathing so loud it wakes me up and makes me want to put my tiny bird head through the fucking nest wall.”
At press time, the Robin was spotted taking an extended bird bath and trying not puke.
