QUEBEC CITY – Continuing its leadership in providing much needed benefits to families, Quebec’s National Assembly has passed a bill to permit parents to take a leave of absence from their children during the awful years from thirteen to seventeen.
“We introduced the best paternity leave in Canada and pioneered affordable daycare,” said Employment Minister Francois Blais. “Now, with Teen Leave, we are providing relief to parents for the time when their children become raging assholes.”
The plan would exempt parents from all but the most basic level of care for their children: food, shelter, and wifi. They would not be obliged to spend time, quality or otherwise, with their offspring. At the same time, teenagers would be prevented from borrowing the car and all forms of eye-rolling.
“The government encouraged us to have children and made us feel like it was a noble civic endeavour,” said Marie-Eve Tremblay, mother of Raphael and Béatrice. “But they had a duty to warn us that our children would one day advertise a house party on Instagram that resulted in fire damage, a vomit-soaked living room set, and a swimming pool filter clogged with condoms!”
“This time away from our children will be valuable. It will allow my husband and me to reconnect and determine whether it’s the stress of parenting or should we just divorce.”
As part of the Teen Leave program parents must give written notice to their children via text at least one hour before commencement of the five years absence. A questionnaire must be completed to determine compensation levels with questions like: Has the teen given up piano lessons yet? How many bongs have you found in their room?
Meanwhile Isobel Ducas, 15, has spent two years as part of a trial of the program. When asked about how things have been with her parents on leave she looked up from a YouTube video and replied: “Did they go somewhere?”
