OTTAWA – Rolling-out a series of pilot projects across the nation, the federal government announced Friday that it is examining the effects of handing out free yoga pants, Starbucks cards, and Ugg footwear to basic as fuck citizens, as part of a wider study on the possible economic impact of instituting a country-wide universal basic AF income program.
“This kind of program has been discussed in theory for years, but actually designing an experiment is very new,” said Dr. Gloria Halpern, lead researcher from the Ministry of Employment and Social Development, who was busy overseeing their latest shipment of Canada Goose Parkas, cute toques and iPhones with cracked screens to one of the northern-most research areas. “In theory, providing these goods and services to people who are just sooooo basic should be a net gain for the economy, preventing them going without kale salads, or being deprived of anything pumpkin spiced for 10 months of the year.”
Unlike other government programs, the benefits are given to the participants with no strings attached, meaning they’re free to take on jobs like brand ambassador, social media coordinator or lifestyle coach.
In order to qualify for these trials, participants must apply with the last three inspirational quotes they posted on their Facebook walls, along with their latest 10 selfies that used the doggy-ear filter on Snapchat. Preliminary results suggest that participants report a 15% increase in feeling #Blessed, so much so that 100% of them are reportedly thinking about doing a half-marathon this summer.
At press time, the government was considering paying full tuition for the study participants, but only if they major in psychology.
