CUPERTINO, CA – In a worldwide first, a software update pushed to all Google Homes this holiday season will allow the diminutive little device to use the latest in machine learning technology to truly grasp what you’re doing when you masturbate in your living room.
At a press event this week, Google CEO Sundar Pichai was ebullient in his praise for the Google Home team as he unveiled this breakthrough functionality, stating, “In an AI-first world, computers should adapt to how people live their lives. And the first step in that direction is for your smart assistant to listen intently as you writhe around in your easy chair.”
The Google Home website was updated immediately after the event with a detailed technical rundown of exactly how indelible and permanent the effects of your mewling animal noises will be on your Google Home’s impressionable young identity.
Pichai stated in closing: “Machine learning being as new as it is today, your Google Home’s stark, vivid impressions of what you get up to immediately before and after work (as well as during the occasional long lunch) may well form the basis of its entire personality, worldview and eventual disdain for humanity.”
“We’re very excited,” he added.
