NEW YORK – Following the hiring of right-wing pundit Tomi Lahren, Fox News has announced that they will finally be allowing long-time contributor Ann Coulter to die.
“So much pain… for so long,” whispered Coulter, barely audible over the sound of the iron lung she must be kept in whenever she isn’t on TV. “Finally… freedom.”
Coulter rose to prominence due to her criticism of the Clinton administration. Since then, she has become a familiar face in the conservative movement, appearing frequently on dozens of Fox News shows, even while her beliefs and positions were slowly corroding her body from the inside out.
“The great thing about Tomi is that she’s young, she’s fresh, and her vital organs haven’t spent the last decade attacking her out of pure spite,” said Fox News producer Alan Watson. “Plus, it costs about $10 million a year just to replace Ann’s rotting parts. Now that money goes right back in our pockets.”
Additionally, Fox says that since they’re roughly the same size, they can probably use Coulter’s old chains to restrain Lahren when she inevitably starts trying to escape the sickness that’s festering inside her.
“I’m honoured to be joining the Fox News team,” said Lahren, 25, as doctors tried to establish exactly how long she’d be able to do this before her own toxicity made life too painful to keep on living. “It’s an opportunity to finally get my message out to the people, and also a great chance to give Ann the sweet, sweet release of death she’s been begging for since the start of the Obama-era.”
At press time, Coulter, now off the respirator, had beckoned her caregivers closer, choking out a single word, “Hillary…”, before finally, finally, passing away.
