OTTAWA — This week researchers at the University of Ottawa admitted that, despite their best efforts, they were unable to conclusively determine whether an NDP Leadership race was currently taking place.
“It’s baffling,” stated lead researcher Robert Vassar, PhD. “Despite numerous registered NDP members insisting there has been a leadership race going on since mid-2016, we have been unable to independently verify these findings.”
“Not even a single Google result,” added Vassar.
Rumours of an NDP leadership race have swirled online for months, with names like “Charlie Angus” and “Peter Julian” offering only cryptic clues. While researchers insist it may be impossible to conclusively disprove the existence of the race, many have increasingly dismissed it is a mere conspiracy theory, like 9/11 being an inside job or the Liberals enacting electoral reform.
However, as stories of the rumoured NDP leadership race have yet to gain traction in academia, those on the fringes of infowars message boards remain convinced the race is in fact very real.
“I’ve seen the race, with my own two eyes,” insisted NDP leadership expert and noted cryptozoologist Rory Spencer. As sole contributor to the blog “The Truth Is Orange There”, Sencer dutifully compiles unverified reports of NDP Leadership sightings across Canada.
“Here I have a story from a woman in St. John’s who swears she attended some kind of secretive arcane Leadership debate. Unfortunately, there were no other witnesses.” Spencer then brought up a blurry image of a tall, bipedal figure loping through the woods. “The people of Scarborough tell tales of meeting ‘Jag Meet Singh’ in the local wilderness. This is the clearest photo that exists.”
Spencer was also quick to point to a recent news story as proof of his “NDP Leadership Race” theory. Last week a man was found naked in the woods, babbling about “selfish, incompetent politics”. The man was later identified as Pat Stogran, 59, though no links were discovered to any Leadership activity.
Reached for comment, NDP party president Marit Stiles agreed that a leadership race would be a great idea. “It doesn’t ring a bell, but we should definitely do one of those,” enthused Stiles.
Any Canadians who who wish to report tips regarding an NDP Leadership Race are encouraged to contact 1-800-NDP-FIND. No cash reward has been posted.
