Andrew Scheer promises to lead Tories to majority in 1974 election - The Beaverton

Andrew Scheer promises to lead Tories to majority in 1974 election

OTTAWA – Newly elected Leader of the Opposition has promised his fellow Conservatives that his agenda and policies will successfully allow them to form a government after the upcoming 1974 election against the Trudeau liberals.

“It will be a hard fought battle,” said a smiling Scheer, dimples threatening to explode off his cherubic cheeks, “But I am confident that my position on abortion, homosexuals and witchcraft will speak to a mid-20th century Canadian electorate.”

“I also think my plan to combat the inflation crisis we are currently experiencing will totally outflank the ,” he added.

Only a week after being declared Party leader, Scheer is attempting to broaden his support by reaching out to a number of groups, including those worrying about [Vietnam war draft dodging] refugees crossing the border, acid rain deniers, and of course old rich white men who don’t want their taxes raised.

Supporters, like David Grabner of Toronto, seem to be responding to Scheer’s message.

“Even if I didn’t agree with Andrew that a guaranteeing the Rights and Freedoms of Canadians is a bad idea, I’d still vote for him because of what is going on down south. We need someone who can stand up to the paranoid, delusional narcissist currently occupying the White House.”

In an effort to appeal to young voters, Scheer has already taken to wearing bellbottoms and loudly telling everyone how great is. However observers are not sure if that will be enough to overcome the charm and raw sexual appeal of Trudeau.

At press time had announced plans to move down to the United States and run for President of the Confederacy of Southern States.