EARTH – After long eras of systemic racial discrimination by humanity, God has clarified he will keep inventing new, terrible kinds of spider until we stop.
“Okay guys,” said God after Donald Trump’s second attempt at a travel ban, while screwing giant mandibles onto the front of a new tarantula model. “You brought this one on yourselves, though.”
Although God believes he made himself ‘very clear’ when that .gif of millions of spider babies went viral at the same time disproportionate numbers of First Nations people were incarcerated in Canada, humanity continues to be racist, and that means more spiders.
“The Koran is an inspiration for intolerance,” said Dutch politician Geert Wilders, moments before God decided that, fuck it, these dicks were getting a ten legged spider. “We need to ban it from– oh no, what is that, it’s horrible, can somebody please get a drinking glass and a piece of paper so we can put it outside.”
Although human prejudice shows no signs of ending, God says he’s not about to run out of new ideas about how to make spiders the worst, either.
“A spider with human fingers. A spider with other whole spiders as legs. A spider the size of a dog, but it wears socks so you can’t hear it coming,” said God, crossing his arms and looking down his nose. “Keep up the racism and see if I don’t invent them, you a-holes.”
God then went on to clarify that he wasn’t mad, just disappointed.
“If I was mad, it would be snakes,” God said.
This is the most spider-related work God has done since 130 million years ago, when He invented spiders to punish dinosaurs for being prejudiced against early mammals.
